Yesterday and according to a few of my close friends and a few days before were heavy. I didn’t want to leave my apartment. I called many of my closest friends to find out that no one could get me out of my black hole. One friend spent time on the phone chastising her children, and I just wanted to be with my own daughter, Penelope and get a few hugs from her. I listened to another person talk about her husband. What my husband and I fufilled for each other after the lost of Penelope was broken. So we parted ways.
I called the last person that I could think to call. And then afterwards I cried my eyes out. I miss having people that are always there. I wasn’t sure if my friends from out of town would make it. And I listened even if I wasn’t quite up for it to some really good advice. Some days I’m very bitter about the state of my life right now.
And then I put my worn out tennis shoes on. And then I walked out found a folder to help organize the inner choas of my nursing bag. Two nursing agencies have binders that I bring to school. this means I often carry about 3 bags with me at any given time. It brought a future for Monday. A plan with less bags and less mess! (A moment of peaceful reverie for every woman trying to balance it all!)
And then I walked out and met the silly energy guy (Next time I’ll have a name for this great man). There is something to be said about someone with style and chuzpah. We had met once before at GNC. I needed some “Good days” pills. We talked about pie in the sky. He saw me and asked how was I doing. I said something towards the end of “HORRIBLE”. We talked and he said after the suitations that i’ve lived through that it’s suppose to be that way. His eyes twinkled when he told me in about 5 years from leaving I’ll start having those heavenly moments where not everything reminds me of the lost. He also let me know that he had been through everything on my list. He added in that he decided to stay with someone where the relationship was not working out and how much burden that added to his daily life.
The human heart is complex. I do not want to make myself suffer. But having someone along the way smile and say “I’ve been here too. You’ll make it out. And then… he added something else. His eyes twinkled even more and asked me how my art dream was going. He remembered! Really and he is looking forward to the continuing of the art dream. Tonight I go hiking and talking art with a friend. Tomorrow or sometime soon I’ll share the dream with a proffesional artist/ art teacher. And I hope it builds stregnth as it goes and the art that brings a smile to my face in times of difficulty can be shared and have a community to express it.
for now I dream to have stregnth to make it through another day. Another week. Another year, until I find that place where a new life lives inside me.